16 February 2016

The Outside Looking In

I have spent my entire life being unheard when I speak, unseen while surround by many, and the source of annoyance to others. I have mastered the art of reading subtle body language. The roll of one's eys, the silence that accompanies certain conversations and topics, the heavy sighs, leaving the area I am in, the side eye that one person will give another. I may be annoying to you but I am not stupid, deaf or blind.  And while your subtle nuances will always hit with a certain sting to my heart, I want you to know that your venom only makes me stronger. I refuse to allow your opinion of me to shape my own identity. And maybe rather than judging you should listen. Maybe just maybe, there is something deeper in my annoying superficial words. I hope you know your actions don't weaken me, but in fact weaken you. You become placed in a distant branch on the outside of my life. Enjoy you perch on the outside tree looking through the window, because you have broken my trust and no longer will you be allowed through my door. I have no time games.

28 January 2016

It Takes A Village {The Lonely Stay-At-Home Mommy}

Lately I have found myself in a funk. The Washington winter months have always been hard for me, but this year has been particularly difficult.

I can't exactly pinpoint what has caused this shift, but the truth is, I'm bored and I am lonely.

Being a stay-at-home mom has been one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever done, but it has also been the most difficult. The transition from working adult to stay-at-home mom was seemingly easy with my first . I enjoyed my endless time with this tiny human of mine and as she grew and my family grew in size, the struggles of parenting grew too. More mouths to feed, more laundry to wash, more messes to clean, less time for anything, and pure exhaustion became my new normal. It has always just felt like part of the job though. My days are filled but so is my heart.

Lately I have found myself bored, sick of cleaning, tired of being inside and so desperately missing companionship.

There is always something to do, something that needs to be cleaned, a bill that needs to be paid, somebody that needs to be called, a mouth that needs to be fed, a diaper that needs to be changed, a floor that needs to be moped, laundry that needs to be folded, a boo-boo that needs to be kissed, homework that needs to be done, vlogs that need to be edited, dinner that needs to be cooked, orders that need to be made; there is always something!

However, I am still bored. Bored because I feel as though I have no purpose, no mission to complete for that day, aside from 'keep the kids alive, and happy' and 'do your chores.' Each day is groundhog dayish; wake up, feed kids, entertain kids, clean house, try not to loose my mind, cook dinner, put kids to bed, fall asleep doing homework, wake up and repeat.

I find myself desperate for something I want to do. I want to do something that doesn't need to be done. I want to go snowboarding, I want to take a dance class, I want to attend a Deaf social event, I want to ride go carts, and I want to go horseback riding, I want to learn to the play the guitar and/or the piano, I want to use the sewing machine I got over a year ago for something I want to make NOT something somebody wants me to fix. I want to go on a date with my husband, and not just dinner and a movie (one of the above mentioned would be nice.)

I know my purpose as a parent is raise these three wonderful gifts of mine and provide for them in the best way I possibly can, but I don't want to lose myself in the process.

I am lonely. Becoming a stay-at-home mom is one of the most isolating things I have ever done. I have a handful of acquaintances and a couple of people I call friends. However, there is no one that I could call a close friend. No one who I talk to on a regular basis. No friends that I can just call and talk about anything with. No  one that lives close by. My life prior to kids was always filled with companionship. I grew up in a house with many siblings, cousins, aunties, foster chilren and people. I went to college and roomed with 7 other roommates, I joined the military and had friends wherever I went. And suddenly I have found myself alone.

I wasn't prepared for the loneliness that accompanied being a stay-at-home mom. When I imagined being a stay-at-home mom, while pregnant with my first, I pictured making friends with other  mommies and us watching our kids play while we sipped Starbucks and laughed and talked. But it wasn't long into mommyhood before I realized that making friends as an adult is much harder than I thought it would be. Lifestyles are different, schedules don't always mesh, children don't always play nicely and parenting philosophies are not always the same. I have tried playdate groups, but never seem to find a decent connection with anyone and usually feel as though I am trying way to hard to be someone I am not. My connections never feel natural or right.

I miss adult conversations that have nothing to do with my kids, because lets face it, if I am not talking to my kids I am talking about them. I miss being silly and goofy, I miss having someone to play board games with, I miss the literal LOL's where I  laugh so hard my side aches and my cheeks hurt, and I miss having someone to call when you just need a friend.

And just to clarify it's not just the hard times that make me feel lonely either. It's also the times when I take the kids to the zoo or on a hike, but there is no one to share those special moments with. The special moments when the baby does something new, or you teach your daughter to ride a bike with no training wheels for the first time and there is nobody around to share that pure joy with you. I am not unhappy, In fact I am quite opposite. I love my life, I love my husband. I love our three children, our dog and our beautiful home. I just miss friendship and companionship. I have so much happineness in my life  and I truly am happy, however, happy wives and stay-at-home moms can still be lonely.

And the worst thing about these feelings is the guilt that accompanies them. I feel guilty there is someone out there who wishes they had kids to complain about staying home with. I feel guilty that as I complain about staying home where there is someone who desperately wishes they could be at home with their babies right now. I feel guilty for crying in front of my children because I just need a break and someone to talk to.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I feel like I am doing this alone. I am still waiting on this village of people to show up so I can have somebody to talk to. Human are not made to be alone, it just isn't the natural order of things. It's far too lonely.

I do want to clarify that I do not take for granted how fortunate and grateful I am to be able to be home with my littles. I truly adore being able to raise my babies and watch them grow, but sometimes this job can be a lonely one. I am also so thankful and grateful for my hardworking and loving husband who makes this even possible for me.