21 October 2014

That Dark Place

I am in a dark place, guys.

It seems that more and more these days the mounting pressures of life is leaving me with the inability to cope. I am being pulled 100 different directions and I have no more stretch, no more give. I have been giving what very little free time I have to others. I know the struggle of needing help but having no one able or willing to do so; but I have stretched myself to thin. I am video editing, house hunting, babysitting, working on boutique orders, mailing packages and that is just the stuff I am doing for others. That doesn't include my massive everyday list of taking Kaydence to school, laundry, dishes, snacks time, grocery shopping, packing, house hunting, school, vacuuming, playing, trying desperately to remember to feed myself, Kaydence dance, dentist, appointments, doctor appointment, speech-language pathology appointments, school counseling appointment, pumpkin patches, parent-nights, honey do I have any clean socks, mom I am hungry, waaaaa (Kaylani screaming in hungers), will you do this window craft with me mama, Radar nudging by hand because it is noon and I haven't fed him yet, Kameron just got poop all over the bathroom, "Hello, may I speak with Mrs. Tatum. We are calling about the past due medical bill.", "Will you please stop hitting your sister with that cup.", "I emailed you yesterday in regards to the order I placed two days ago, will it be ready by Halloween.", "Mom, we still haven't gone to the pumpkin patch. I guess we  will never get to carve pumpkins.". My head is spinning. There is more to do in one day than there are enough hours and damn it I am doing this alone. My amazing, wonderful husband is working is tail off to keep us stable and I am here working my tail off to stay sane.

I forget to send emails, I rarely respond to text messages, I am late to EVERYTHING and I am just trying to stay afloat, but I feel like I am drowning.

I am in that dark place, guys.

That place that has me feeling alone. That place where I cry at night. Every. Single. Night. That place where I feel like I am doing way more for other people than anyone ever does for me. Ever. That place where if I don't keep busy I may fall apart. That place that keeps telling me "You're doing this all wrong." "You're stupid." "You're failing." That place where the guy who did awful, AWFUL things to you, that guy that stole your innocence at 12 years old sends you a Facebook request. And suddenly that dirty, disgusting feeling that rots your soul is back. And you hate your body, and when someone touches you it puts you on edge.

I am in THAT dark place, guys.

That place where you mourn your life pre-babies. That place where you just want to sleep more than 4 hours in a row. That place where most new parents can run to their mom or dad for advice when life and parenting gets hard, but you realize you have no one because your parents are cause of your pain. That place where you realize you never really have had a parental figure. That place where you realize when things get hard people step out, not up. That place where it really hit you that your grandma is never coming back. That place where your hands are full and your heart is heavy. That place where it hurts, and you smile to the outside world, but deep down inside you are sad.

I am in that dark place, guys.

Today I dressed and packed up a happy preschooler for school. She sang songs as I brushed her hair and giddily climbed into the car as we got ready to leave. And as we drove I found myself drifting to that dark place. I smiled on the outside buy inside I was lost. And as I pulled into the driveway of her school and parked the car, I could feel a shift in the air. And as I held my little girls hand as we walked up the hill to her classroom I could feel the tension in her body. And I we approached the door to drop her off it hit me. My daughter is in that dark place too.  She looked up at me and instantly started crying. She clung to my leg and sobbed. She said no words. She just cried and I didn't have to ask her what was wrong, I knew. This whole time I had thought I was putting on a pretty good show. I thought I was shielding and hiding this dark place from my kids but I wasn't. They know. They feel it too. And suddenly the acting out, the screaming, the yelling, the anger it all made sense. These actions are her 4 year old way of saying that she isn't coping well either. My distances, my anger, my yelling, my frustration; I am just channeling this stuff to my kids.

So after I finally convinced her to go inside and participate in school. I drove home. I parked our car in the driveway and I ran. My first solo, child free/dog free run. I ran, and I cried, and I ran some more. And I decided I would not do to my kids what my parents did to me. I will not have a pity party for myself. I will not give into this fear, anxiety and sadness. I will not lean on my kids so heavily that they are bogged down with the weight of my pain. I will NOT do this to my children. My children will know what happiness is because they will see it and feel it and know it. So I ran, and when I finished running I did the one thing that I have always been afraid to do. I called a therapist for help. Because lets face it, you can't hold a life time of physical, emotional and mental abuse in. It will come out eventually and without the right outlet it could be life changing and disastrous.

I have battled these lonely demons for far too long. It's time to get help.

I am in this dark place, guys. And if you are in the dark place with me, just remember to keep swimming. And know that you are not alone. Just call for help, I am in this dark place with you.

I have received a lot of concerned emails, text messages, and phone calls. I am sad sometimes, but I am happy. I am happy with my children, my husband, my life. There is a lot of my past I need to work through that keeps my spirit heavy. I am working through this, so that one day I can leave the baggage of my past right where it belongs; in the past. Thank you for your concern. 

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