10 April 2014

{Today Was Hard} The Pictures You Don't See

Today was hard.

For over a month now, Kameron has been complaining of "leg" pain while walking with a noticeable limp. We went to the ER a month ago to have it checked out and was given the diagnosis of Toxic Synovitis (Click Here for previous blog with more info). However, he has not been getting better but in fact has become worse. So I made an appointment with his pediatrician to have it reassessed.

Today was his appointment.

Since daddy had an appointment of his own to attend today, I flew solo with both kids to this appointment. Everything went as usual in the beginning. We checked in, Kameron and Kaydence climbed all over the chairs in the waiting room and tapped on the fish tank clearly marked "Please do not allow your children to tap on fish tank glass." I told them to sit they didn't listen, blah, blah, blah, the usual. Eventually we were called back to see the doctor. Kameron was weighed and measured, his vitals taken and soon the doctor was in to check him out. With only a quick exam she seemed pretty worried about his hips and immediately put in an order for x-rays. We were sent upstairs to outpatient x-ray and was told to come back when they were finished. With both kids in tow, we made our way upstairs to x-ray and things immediately began to fall apart.

I was refused service due to the fact that I was alone with Kaydence. Being pregnant with another little one in tow did not allow for me to be useful in the x-ray room. With Kevin at his appointment and nobody else able/willing to drop everything to be available to hold my son down for his x-ray at 10:30am on a Thursday; I informed the receptionist that it was only me, I had no one to help. Annoyed, I asked "What if I was a single mother and had no help? What would you all do then?" Coldly, the women repeated that I needed to find someone to assist in the x-ray room and until then they could do nothing. With a child in each hand I marched out of the x-ray department loudly grumbling about how stupid and unhelpful they were. The kids and I trotted back downstairs where I informed the receptionist at our pediatricians office that I could not get my son's x-rays done as requested by his doctor. After a brief moment, the receptionist left and came back with a nice nurse who would be my "extra" person for Kameron's x-ray. Once again we made our way upstairs to the x-ray department where we finally checked in. They "play area" was nothing more than one of those abacus looking things with the beads that can be pushed along different colored squiggly pipes and one single book. Needless to say it wasn't long before the kids became restless. Kameron cutely began to state that he was "ready-a-go" (ready to go) and after calmly telling him a few times that we needed to wait to get pictures of his legs, he began to get upset. The cute "ready-a-go" quickly turned into loud screams of "no pictures" and within a minute he was in a full tantrum on the floor.

His screams could be heard downstairs in pediatrics (this I am sure of), and soon the thrashing and kicking began. Kameron's tantrums are beyond awful. He becomes the toddler version of the hulk and no amount of consoling is possible. Only a few minutes into this massive fit, I had three staff members come back to the play area trying to calm him down. One person offering him a Disney movie, another coloring books, and another reading books. With every offer he became more and more enraged. Angry that we weren't listening to him. He didn't want movies or coloring books, he wanted to go. He began to kick me, with shots inevitably hitting my belly as I held him cradle style across my lap. I immediately put him down on the floor prepared to ignore him as he threw his fit. No more than a minute later, I had a women approach me and ask me to follow her. She stated that in order to save me them the embarrassment she was going to take me to a private room. After walking down what seemed like the longest hallway into the deepest part of the x-ray department, I was carted into an empty office with nothing more than a few chairs. She shoved a few magic 8 balls into the kids hands and closed the door. I am now livid.

Kameron's fit continued. We waited a total of one hour before someone finally came to get us. We were escorted to the dressing room where I fought my angry, screaming toddler into his gown as he desperately tried to pull his regular clothes back on. I carried him kicking and screaming to the x-ray room where I left him with my nurse escort and two other technicians. Kaydence and I sat in the hallway listening to his screams for mommy. After what seemed like forever, the x-rays were finally done and I toted what seemed like a grumpy but no longer kicking and screaming toddler back to the dressing room. Thinking it was finally over I started to change him and the fit started up again. Full on thrashing, kicking, screaming. He didn't want to get dressed. I stared at my naked toddler as he rolled across the ground, banging his head on the walls next to him as he screamed "no pants." I begged my son to get dressed. Bribed him with the idea of ice cream, candy, stickers, toys, anything I could to make him calm down. Beyond flustered I grabbed my phone from my purse, dialed my husband and prayed that his voice would calm him. Just as I hit the "call" button, Kameron immediately slaps the phone from my hand and kicks it away while screaming "no call." A second later I hear the deep, calm voice of my husband say "hello" and in that instant I loose it. I begin to full on ugly cry. Deep belly, can't breath cry. I am at a loss of what to do. I have a screaming toddler on the floor in front of me, a very confused and neglected little girl next to me, I am 27 weeks pregnant with another and I have no clue how I am possibly going to do this. I am overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, exhausted, terrified of the future and at a complete loss in this moment.

As I bawled, I could hear my sensitive sweet girl telling me to calm down. "It is ok, mama. Don't cry." Kameron quickly began to calm and soon he was crawling in my lap giving me kisses and asking for hugs. After a few minutes I calm myself down, tell my husband I love him and before I know it Kameron is dressed and we are headed out of the x-ray department more than an hour and a half after we arrived. As I follow the signs for the 'exit' down the windy hallways I am not oblivious to the looks of sympathy and empathy from staff members and patients. I can only imagine how I looked; A massively pregnant, puffy red eyed woman with a sniffly toddler in her right hand and scared, confused preschooler in the left.

Kameron calmly made it through the rest of our pediatricians appointment and a big boy blood draw (thank god he wasn't throwing a fit then!) I did ask the doctor if his tantrums are "normal," afraid something may be more serious (I mean the kid screamed and  thrashed around for almost 2 hours!). I was told with a chuckle and a smile that he is absolutely normal. We were told he has a temper (probably from me and my family history of tempers) but that he is fine and will be fine. Our pediatrician assured us this was a phase and in time would pass. As I buckled the kids into their carseats and pulled out of the parking lot I felt exhausted; mentally, emotionally and physically. So often I post pictures and videos of my smiling happy kids. I quote their cute sayings/conversations and declare how lucky I am.

But with every smiling picture I post there was at least one meltdown to counter balance it. I yell, I get frustrated, I get annoyed, and at the end of some days I cry in exhaustion. This ride of parenthood isn't easy, everyday it gets harder and harder and everyday I question weather I am strong enough to handle it.

Because sometimes it's just hard.

You would have no idea this adorable face was a hellacious screaming toddler for 2 hours!

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