23 February 2014

{Choosing Happiness}

The past 30 days have been a whirlwind for me, for my family. One minute we are moving with the swing of life; things are normal, comfortable, nice, ok. And in one single message my world is rocked. Then before I know it things seem to hit a downward spiral and I am desperately fighting through this new vertigo of life. Hoping the spinning will stop and trying to stay composed enough to the outside world. 

The death of my grandmother was the start of this spinning top. Exactly one month ago yesterday, I received the fateful email that shattered my world and made me question the intentions, motivations and heart of everyone around me. This woman who can only be described as simply amazing was gone, unexpectedly, in the blink of an eye. The woman who raised me, who molded me, who guided me through this chaos of my life was gone. Never again would I hear her voice. Never again would I see her face. Never would my children know of the amazing, wonderful woman I called Grandma. The pain was  is too much; it consumed me. And just when I think I couldn't feel any worse in that moment, things seemed to just hit a wall and life instantly became harder. 

I was forced to face some very difficult emotional and mental issues that I have set aside for many years. Relationships built on weak foundations, with shitty materials and screws too short finally began to fall. Kev and I were forced to face immediate life decisions. Things we knew would someday come were right there staring us in the face. How had time gone by so quickly? How are we at this point already?! I started to get behind on my business; orders were left neglected as I dealt with the chaos in front of me; too tired to do anything but sleep at the end of the day. And this brought on a whole new wave problems. Angry/annoyed customers, unsympathetic of my life problems just wanting their hat, slippers, tutu or shirt they had ordered and paid for. 

I never thought it would end.

But as I sit here today writing this, the spinning top of my life has now teetered. It is wobbling unstably, slowing down. And for the first time in many weeks I am able to see things a little more clearly. And as I reflect on the past 30 days I am can see that through all of the chaos there were still glimpses of hope. While I spent so much time focusing on the relationships that had crumbled, I can now see that there were so many others that blossomed. I can see that life was cleaning out my closet. And as painful as it was to face the emotions that came with these fallen relationships; having these burdens no longer in my life allowed me to see the people who truly deserve their spots there. I have spent so many years trying to keep together what needed to be let go, that I didn't give enough to the people who were worthy. During this chaos and pain I realized I laughed, a lot. I had the opportunity to see so many wonderful amazing people that I have not really talked to in years. While it seemed like the world might be crashing around me and that my immediate little family was alone; our true friends and family stepped in. And just when I was ready to give up, things began to turn around. 

I can't thank enough all of the people who have helped me (us) get through this rough patch of life. All of the people I saw this month, who made me laugh, who made me cry happy tears, who hugged me, who held my hand who told me that it would all be ok. All of the understanding customers with orders 10 days late, I am so appreciative of you all!

There is still so far for me to go. So much more pain to be felt; so much more tears to be cried; so much more hardships to face. It's life, I know. But what I am beginning to learn is that with despair comes happiness. And there is so many more smiles to be smiled; so many more laughs to have had; so many more hugs to be given; so many more kind words to be exchanged; so much more joy to be felt; and so much more love to made and shared. As my  top comes to a stop, I am choosing happiness. Holding tightly to the people I love and the things that bring me joy. I am realizing that again this top will be set into a spin; but hopefully I now have the strength and understanding, to know that it will again wobble, teeter and come to an end.

Some memories, moments, events, activities or people that made me smile this month.



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