23 February 2014

{Choosing Happiness}

The past 30 days have been a whirlwind for me, for my family. One minute we are moving with the swing of life; things are normal, comfortable, nice, ok. And in one single message my world is rocked. Then before I know it things seem to hit a downward spiral and I am desperately fighting through this new vertigo of life. Hoping the spinning will stop and trying to stay composed enough to the outside world. 

The death of my grandmother was the start of this spinning top. Exactly one month ago yesterday, I received the fateful email that shattered my world and made me question the intentions, motivations and heart of everyone around me. This woman who can only be described as simply amazing was gone, unexpectedly, in the blink of an eye. The woman who raised me, who molded me, who guided me through this chaos of my life was gone. Never again would I hear her voice. Never again would I see her face. Never would my children know of the amazing, wonderful woman I called Grandma. The pain was  is too much; it consumed me. And just when I think I couldn't feel any worse in that moment, things seemed to just hit a wall and life instantly became harder. 

I was forced to face some very difficult emotional and mental issues that I have set aside for many years. Relationships built on weak foundations, with shitty materials and screws too short finally began to fall. Kev and I were forced to face immediate life decisions. Things we knew would someday come were right there staring us in the face. How had time gone by so quickly? How are we at this point already?! I started to get behind on my business; orders were left neglected as I dealt with the chaos in front of me; too tired to do anything but sleep at the end of the day. And this brought on a whole new wave problems. Angry/annoyed customers, unsympathetic of my life problems just wanting their hat, slippers, tutu or shirt they had ordered and paid for. 

I never thought it would end.

But as I sit here today writing this, the spinning top of my life has now teetered. It is wobbling unstably, slowing down. And for the first time in many weeks I am able to see things a little more clearly. And as I reflect on the past 30 days I am can see that through all of the chaos there were still glimpses of hope. While I spent so much time focusing on the relationships that had crumbled, I can now see that there were so many others that blossomed. I can see that life was cleaning out my closet. And as painful as it was to face the emotions that came with these fallen relationships; having these burdens no longer in my life allowed me to see the people who truly deserve their spots there. I have spent so many years trying to keep together what needed to be let go, that I didn't give enough to the people who were worthy. During this chaos and pain I realized I laughed, a lot. I had the opportunity to see so many wonderful amazing people that I have not really talked to in years. While it seemed like the world might be crashing around me and that my immediate little family was alone; our true friends and family stepped in. And just when I was ready to give up, things began to turn around. 

I can't thank enough all of the people who have helped me (us) get through this rough patch of life. All of the people I saw this month, who made me laugh, who made me cry happy tears, who hugged me, who held my hand who told me that it would all be ok. All of the understanding customers with orders 10 days late, I am so appreciative of you all!

There is still so far for me to go. So much more pain to be felt; so much more tears to be cried; so much more hardships to face. It's life, I know. But what I am beginning to learn is that with despair comes happiness. And there is so many more smiles to be smiled; so many more laughs to have had; so many more hugs to be given; so many more kind words to be exchanged; so much more joy to be felt; and so much more love to made and shared. As my  top comes to a stop, I am choosing happiness. Holding tightly to the people I love and the things that bring me joy. I am realizing that again this top will be set into a spin; but hopefully I now have the strength and understanding, to know that it will again wobble, teeter and come to an end.

Some memories, moments, events, activities or people that made me smile this month.



20 February 2014

{20 Weeks} with Baby #3

I am officially half way through this pregnancy! And much to quickly for my liking, might I add. I feel like it was yesterday that I discovered I was pregnant for the third time and now I am only 20ish short weeks away from giving birth to my final child. It is all too bitter-sweet.

I had my 20 week OB appointment and anatomy scan this week. My appointment, like the past ones, was short, sweet and to the point. However, this time my lovely second half as able to join for the first time. Usually, he stays and mans the homestead while a fly solo to my monthly baby checks. It's easier this way as our children are not fans of sitting still, not touching anything and waiting. We had the great pleasure of having one of my closest and most awesome friends come stay with us from Colorado for a few days, and this single lady might be baby free but  she sure does have the mama heart. She happily stayed at home with the kids while Kevin accompanied me to my mid-pregnancy appointment and it was simply wonderful seeing the great big grin on his face as the doctor placed his probe on my belly and the wonderful strong heartbeat of our little Tatum Tot thumped loudly through the speaker. It truly is simple, extraordinary moments like these when I see the joy on my hunny's face after hearing his third child's heart beat for the first time, that keep me so in love with this man!

As far as my appointment goes I gained a total of 6lbs this month putting my total weight gain at officially 1lb! Woohoo, I am no longer in the negative for my weight gain. While I am still 9lbs below what I should be the doctor is pleased with my weight gain as I am moving in the right direction. Baby's heart rate has been a steady 153 for the past few months now which is right in between what Kaydence and Kameron were.

:: How I am Feeling ::

I must admit, my energy seems to be on the lower side again. I find myself ready to crash at the end of the day.

Heartburn has began and each day it grows more and more uncomfortable. This is a symptom that I have dealt with in all of my pregnancies and I know that as I progress further along it will only become increasingly worse.

Potty breaks are frequent now. Especially as the baby begins to grow and move more.

My breasts are large and painful. Well, they have always been large, however, my normal 36F bras are no longer able to tame these massive girls and I am already pulling out old size G and H nursing bras, in hopes of finding some comfort.

My back is killing me! From upper to lower I am experiencing it all. My larger girls are making the usual neck/shoulder/upper back pain that much more worse and my growing belly is causing my scoliosis and lower back to ache miserably. I find comfort in Epsom salt baths, heat, and the knowledge that this temporary discomfort means that little Tatum Tot is growing well.

Since the end of my pregnancy with Kaydence I have had a diastasis recti; a separation between the left and right side of the rectum abdominis muscle, which covers the front surface of the belly area. This muscle separation has always been quite large and has played a major role in the strength (or lack thereof) of my core. After the birth of Kameron I had some major pain in my umbilical area resulting in surgery to repair a strangulated umbilical hernia. My stomach muscles have stayed separated for years and at my most recent appointment I discovered I had yet another umbilical hernial in between this separation about the size of a softball. Luckily the bigger the hernia the better because there is a less likely chance that my free moving bowel will get stuck. This diastasis recti has created somewhat of a problem for me as I literally have no core strength and am unable to do many simple things I was able to before, like hold my kids for more then two minutes. Unfortunately my only option is to wait years after the birth of this last baby to see if it closes on its own. If not, the separation will need to be surgically repaired which is a cosmetic procedure and is something that is not covered by insurance.

I am still having severe gallbladder pain when not sticking with my no fat diet. I have yet to have an ultrasound to figure out how bad it truly is but I am hoping sometime next week I will be finding out more information

We had our very first baby buy this week as well. Mommy got a new glider for the baby's room. A craigslist steal as it is a brand new Shermag for 1/3 the price. Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE second hand steals :-)

Our little Tatum Tot has a wonderful looking brain; a healthy and straight spine; a perfect four chamber heart with a heart rate of 153; perfectly proportional limbs with ten perfect fingers and toes; two amazing looking kidneys; The cutest profile; no abnormalities to note; and just to make sure we couldn't know the gender he/she was very modest with their private area. Is it too early to say I am head over heals for this kid?!

p.s. I totally think it's a girl. I see my Kaydence in this side profile. Only birth will tell :-)

06 February 2014

{Change of Heart}

I have had a recent change of heart. Come hear what our baby names will be :-)