18 December 2013

One Tough Little Guy {Surgery and More}

As a mother, I am constantly aware of the decisions I make in regards to my children's life. I most certainly have their best interest in mind and want nothing more than to make sure that my kids are healthy and happy.

However, I am unafraid to admit that I don't know everything and I very often make mistakes.

Over the past two years, Kev and I have been in a constant battle with infections in Kam's little boy area. We are an avid cloth diapering family and have done so from birth with both of our kiddos. I blamed most of his infections on the diapers, believing we had problems with yeast. After 18 months of constant stripping (sanitizing) of the cloth diapers, multiple trips to the doctors office, and bottles of antibiotics we finally decided that cloth diapering wasn't a fit for Kameron and we quit. In the almost six months since we quit cloth diapering we have had two more major infections. After the last the doctor advised us to quit giving the kids bubble baths and recommended we see a Urologist.

When we first found out we were having a boy the infamous circumcision discussion came up. Kev and I being somewhat ignorant on the topic both agreed that circumcision was what we wanted and never thought much of it again. That was until our beautiful baby boy entered into this world. Only hours after having delivered him we already had pediatricians and doctors bombarding us with what we intended to do in regards to circumcision. It was in that moment that Kev and I had realized unless medically necessary we wanted no part in causing this perfect little person any pain. Being uncircumcised was doing him no harm, so there was no need to fix what wasn't broken.

Well, lets fast forward almost two years.

After a consult with a Urologist we discovered that Kam's being intact was the cause of his recurrent infections. He has what is called a Congenital Buried Penis and that only surgery can fix this problem and stop the infection.

(More information in regards to Congenital Buried Penis can be found Here.)

So here we are, surgery day. At only 23 months old, my sweet boy will have his first surgery. He will be put under, intubated and doctors with with perform a minor circumcision procedure and a somewhat major scrotoplasty to repair his Congenital Buried Penis.

This is how our day went...

:: Just checked in...Let the waiting begin ::

:: Playroom fun. If only he knew what was coming ::

Our child coach was amazing! She did everything
she could to make him comfortable. 

:: Almost time to head back ::

:: And now I wait ::

If only I could erase the image of my sweet
 little boy desperatly clinging to me as
the anesthesiologist covers his mouth with
a gas mask. Feeling his body go
limp within seconds and then
 walking away from him.

:: Somebody is awake and doing great ::

Somebody was grumpy. I walked back to find a struggling
older nurse trying desperately to keep my son from ripping
out his IV and trying to jump off the bed :-)

:: Six hours from the time we arrived, we are finally ready to go home ::

While I held it together on the outside, for my sweet boy, on the inside I was a mess. I second guessed every moment I was there wondering if I was making the right decision and believing that I was taking the "easy" way out. After the surgery was over, the doctor explained how much he truly needed this and how he will be much more comfortable and a lot happier after today. I really needed that reassurance.

If this whole day and entire experience wasn't long, stressful and traumatizing enough for both him and I, the follow-up rush to the Emergency Room at 8:30pm that night was by far the lowest point in this parenting journey of mine.

That's right folks, the worst mother of the year award goes to me. The mother who accidentally overdosed her son on oxycodone. To make a long story short there is a very big difference between 1ml and 1tsp; like 5x the amount, difference.

1ml  = 1ml
1tsp = 5ml

After the immediate realization of what I had done and frantic calls to his surgeon and poison control; I quickly learned that this accidental over dose was just on the border of not too bad and toxic. I showed up to the ER ugly crying like I have never cried before, second guessing my ability to care for my children, and certain that I would be dealing with CPS in a matter of minutes.

Instead, I spent two hours in the waiting room as the hospital "monitored" Kam. Aside from flushed cheeks, my tough little guy showed absolutely no indication that he had just taken too much narcotic medicine as he ran around the ER waiting room screaming and eating all the crackers and apple sauce he could. After two hours and a quick check of his vitals, I was given a ml syringe for better dosing of his medication and the all clear to take him home. Not wanting him out of my sight, with fear he may stop breathing, I slept next to him in his bed. In those moments before I fell asleep I couldn't help but think how one tiny mistake could change everything. I cried some more as I held my now fast asleep toddler and wondered how I could have possibly allowed this to happen. I pride myself in being a "better" mom than ones who do silly stuff like confuse 1ml and 1tsp.

But I am not.

I am human, I make mistakes and I learn from them. Yesterday was by far the lowest point in my entire parenting journey, but I know that this journey is not a perfect one. There are certain rules we all follow as parents; we don't give honey to our children under one, we avoid foods like grapes and nuts while they are still young, we put all dangerous stuff out of their reach and cover the outlets to avoid electrocution accidents. We can spot when our child is ill, hungry, or sleepy. We feed, love, nurture and provide our children with all the things they need and want.

Yet we still often feel like we have failed them.

I have made promises and broke them. I have used bribery as a way to gain peace and quiet. I have put on a show as a distraction in order to complete something I otherwise couldn't. I have thrown my hands up in frustration; I have failed at parenting so many times.

But each mistake, each failure allows me to grow, to learn. I apologize when I have done something wrong. I admit when I make a mistake; and most of all I learn from them.

I am not perfect. But who is? My heart is still heavy with the events of yesterday, but I know that this mistake is only one of the many I will make. And never again will I make this one!

One thing I do know for sure... I have one tough and resilient little guy!

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