18 December 2013

One Tough Little Guy {Surgery and More}

As a mother, I am constantly aware of the decisions I make in regards to my children's life. I most certainly have their best interest in mind and want nothing more than to make sure that my kids are healthy and happy.

However, I am unafraid to admit that I don't know everything and I very often make mistakes.

Over the past two years, Kev and I have been in a constant battle with infections in Kam's little boy area. We are an avid cloth diapering family and have done so from birth with both of our kiddos. I blamed most of his infections on the diapers, believing we had problems with yeast. After 18 months of constant stripping (sanitizing) of the cloth diapers, multiple trips to the doctors office, and bottles of antibiotics we finally decided that cloth diapering wasn't a fit for Kameron and we quit. In the almost six months since we quit cloth diapering we have had two more major infections. After the last the doctor advised us to quit giving the kids bubble baths and recommended we see a Urologist.

When we first found out we were having a boy the infamous circumcision discussion came up. Kev and I being somewhat ignorant on the topic both agreed that circumcision was what we wanted and never thought much of it again. That was until our beautiful baby boy entered into this world. Only hours after having delivered him we already had pediatricians and doctors bombarding us with what we intended to do in regards to circumcision. It was in that moment that Kev and I had realized unless medically necessary we wanted no part in causing this perfect little person any pain. Being uncircumcised was doing him no harm, so there was no need to fix what wasn't broken.

Well, lets fast forward almost two years.

After a consult with a Urologist we discovered that Kam's being intact was the cause of his recurrent infections. He has what is called a Congenital Buried Penis and that only surgery can fix this problem and stop the infection.

(More information in regards to Congenital Buried Penis can be found Here.)

So here we are, surgery day. At only 23 months old, my sweet boy will have his first surgery. He will be put under, intubated and doctors with with perform a minor circumcision procedure and a somewhat major scrotoplasty to repair his Congenital Buried Penis.

This is how our day went...

:: Just checked in...Let the waiting begin ::

:: Playroom fun. If only he knew what was coming ::

Our child coach was amazing! She did everything
she could to make him comfortable. 

:: Almost time to head back ::

:: And now I wait ::

If only I could erase the image of my sweet
 little boy desperatly clinging to me as
the anesthesiologist covers his mouth with
a gas mask. Feeling his body go
limp within seconds and then
 walking away from him.

:: Somebody is awake and doing great ::

Somebody was grumpy. I walked back to find a struggling
older nurse trying desperately to keep my son from ripping
out his IV and trying to jump off the bed :-)

:: Six hours from the time we arrived, we are finally ready to go home ::

While I held it together on the outside, for my sweet boy, on the inside I was a mess. I second guessed every moment I was there wondering if I was making the right decision and believing that I was taking the "easy" way out. After the surgery was over, the doctor explained how much he truly needed this and how he will be much more comfortable and a lot happier after today. I really needed that reassurance.

If this whole day and entire experience wasn't long, stressful and traumatizing enough for both him and I, the follow-up rush to the Emergency Room at 8:30pm that night was by far the lowest point in this parenting journey of mine.

That's right folks, the worst mother of the year award goes to me. The mother who accidentally overdosed her son on oxycodone. To make a long story short there is a very big difference between 1ml and 1tsp; like 5x the amount, difference.

1ml  = 1ml
1tsp = 5ml

After the immediate realization of what I had done and frantic calls to his surgeon and poison control; I quickly learned that this accidental over dose was just on the border of not too bad and toxic. I showed up to the ER ugly crying like I have never cried before, second guessing my ability to care for my children, and certain that I would be dealing with CPS in a matter of minutes.

Instead, I spent two hours in the waiting room as the hospital "monitored" Kam. Aside from flushed cheeks, my tough little guy showed absolutely no indication that he had just taken too much narcotic medicine as he ran around the ER waiting room screaming and eating all the crackers and apple sauce he could. After two hours and a quick check of his vitals, I was given a ml syringe for better dosing of his medication and the all clear to take him home. Not wanting him out of my sight, with fear he may stop breathing, I slept next to him in his bed. In those moments before I fell asleep I couldn't help but think how one tiny mistake could change everything. I cried some more as I held my now fast asleep toddler and wondered how I could have possibly allowed this to happen. I pride myself in being a "better" mom than ones who do silly stuff like confuse 1ml and 1tsp.

But I am not.

I am human, I make mistakes and I learn from them. Yesterday was by far the lowest point in my entire parenting journey, but I know that this journey is not a perfect one. There are certain rules we all follow as parents; we don't give honey to our children under one, we avoid foods like grapes and nuts while they are still young, we put all dangerous stuff out of their reach and cover the outlets to avoid electrocution accidents. We can spot when our child is ill, hungry, or sleepy. We feed, love, nurture and provide our children with all the things they need and want.

Yet we still often feel like we have failed them.

I have made promises and broke them. I have used bribery as a way to gain peace and quiet. I have put on a show as a distraction in order to complete something I otherwise couldn't. I have thrown my hands up in frustration; I have failed at parenting so many times.

But each mistake, each failure allows me to grow, to learn. I apologize when I have done something wrong. I admit when I make a mistake; and most of all I learn from them.

I am not perfect. But who is? My heart is still heavy with the events of yesterday, but I know that this mistake is only one of the many I will make. And never again will I make this one!

One thing I do know for sure... I have one tough and resilient little guy!

12 December 2013

{Week 10} Vanishing Twin Syndrome

Today I officially hit double digits in this pregnancy, and nothing has really changed since last week.


  • Nausea - I still feel sick most days. While the nausea isn't lasting all day like it was in the past, it is still pretty prevalent and is definitely affecting my appetite. I have come to realize that I have the best appetite and least amount of nausea late at night. Therefore, most of my eating is done at midnight or later. 

  • Fatigue - Fatigue is still kicking my butt. I find myself taking naps in my car during my lunch breaks instead of eating. I still haven't had the energy or desire to start running or working out again, which makes me feel very defeated at times. 

  • I am still not having much of any cravings. Again, I think this has a lot to do with my nausea.

::Weight Gain::
  • Since last week I have lost two more pounds; bringing my total weight "gain" to -3lbs. Since I was technically considered "overweight" before finding out I was pregnant, this weight loss isn't a concern to either me or my OB. 

Last week I had my follow-up ultrasound from the original one at 7 weeks. My recent 9 week ultrasound, once again, confirmed the due date I had already anticipated. It also showed a healthy, wiggly baby with a heart rate of 163. To the left of this healthy little bean was an empty sac. That's right folks, there were two babies inside this belly of mine at one point. Apparently, this is known as Vanishing Twin Syndrome in which one of the fetuses in a a twin pregnancy spontaneously aborts, usually during the first trimester.

Top picture is our healthy Tatum Tot
Bottom picture is now an empty sac 

Currently I am feeling ok with what has happened. While part of me wonders what could have been; most of me is relieved and so happy that I still have one healthy baby. I must admit I feel like I see and hear about twins everywhere now (outside of the fact that my husband is an identical twin.) Kevin and I have always said that three children was our max, and I have always told him that it would be the universes joke to us to give us twins on our last pregnancy...we came close :-) I am really loving the number 3 though, it is a great number!

Until week 11...here's to hoping for a nausea free and energetic week ahead. Fingers crossed!!

04 December 2013

{9 Weeks} with Baby #3

Well here we are, 9 weeks! Due to the Thanksgiving holiday I missed last weeks update. Don't worry nothing really changed from 7-8 weeks :-)

I did have my first OB appointment last Tuesday and was finally able to see our little Tatum Tot. According to the ultrasound, Baby K is measuring exactly what I had thought; keeping my due date at July 9, 2014. His/Her heart rate is currently a strong 164bmp and as far as the doctor could see everything is looking good. I have a follow-up ultrasound this Friday with an actual ultra sound tech for a better look, but as of right now everything is a should be at this point and that make me happy.

  • Nausea - Food is still my enemy. I am averaging about one complete meal a day, and water has become my new best friend
  • Fatigue - I am more tired and exhausted this week than I have been so far. My energy is at an all time low and it is really starting to wear on me. I feel bad for the kids mostly; I just don't have the energy or desire to do much after work. I hope my energy returns soon.
  • Mood Swings - Mood Swings are in full effect! Poor Kevin doesn't even know what to do with himself. If I am not crying hysterically to old India Arie songs, I am angry as shit over the fact that I can't get the wall hook into the ceiling so I can hang up Kaydence's new canopy. It's all kinds of crazy at house right now.

  • Cereal - It has no real smell so it stomachable for me.
  • Watermelon - It sweet, cold, full of water and oh so delicious...need I say more?!

::Things I know for sure about this pregnancy, labor and delivery::
  • Savor the Moment - My pregnancy with Kaydence was fraught with worry. Due to a pretty devastating miscarriage only months before conceiving her that left me hospital bound for two days while I received blood transfusions due to massive hemorrhaging, I spent most of my first pregnancy wishing it was over. My pregnancy with Kameron was easier. With a successful pregnancy behind me, the fear that crippled me with the first pregnancy was gone. However, being a first time mother of a early toddler caused me to spend much of my time wrapped up in the baby that was outside of me, that my pregnancy with Kam seemed to be a blur. Time flew by quickly and before I knew it I was a mother of two. With this being our last pregnancy, I plan to savor the moments that I didn't with my other two. Realizing that I only have nine short months to grow this baby, to feel it move inside of me, to experience hiccups that aren't mine; I wont wish it to be finished sooner than it needs to be. Growing life is a privilege, an honor, and beautiful process. I don't want to rush this last experience because no matter how uncomfortable I get, it will inevitably come to and end. And when it does it will have been the last time.  
  • I will continue to run - It's my passion. It immediately takes me to my happy place; and now that I have been given the "all clear" to keep going, that's exactly what I intend to do. 
  • I will not let food control me - I allowed myself to gain far too much weight with my previous two pregnancies. Each pregnancy ended with a 50lb weight gain because I allowed pregnancy to be an excuse to over eat. While I am fully aware that I am not one of the fortunate few who have the body type that allows them to slip back into their 3rd grade pants only 6 weeks postpartum while having binged on apple pies ala mode the entire time, I sure could make loosing the extra baby weight easier if I didn't gain double the recommended pounds. I have busted my ass to get to where I am today from where I was two years ago and I will make sure to keep it that way. 
  • If all goes accordingly, I plan to finally have the natural birth I always wanted - This has been a desire of mine for all of my pregnancies; however, pitocin induced labors with both of my kiddos prevented this. That pitocin is no joke. Both of my labors were only 12 "short" hours and for both I made it 11 long hours with no pain medication...then eventually caved to the epidural only one hour before both were born. I do the labor thing pretty well, I am loud and unpleasant to be around but I know that without that pitocin I can manage that pain: I KNOW I can! I am also a master of pushing, never pushing more than five minutes (and that's with an epidural). I truly hope for an induction/pitocin free labor this go around, because it sure would make a natural labor and delivery much easier.
  • Placental Encapsulation - It's happening. I will not be pan searing my placenta and eating it with a side of mashed potatoes and asparagus for dinner; however, it will be dehydrated and turned into encapsulated pills that I will take daily with my prenatal vitamins and fish oil pills. The countless benefits - decreased risk of postpartum depression, increased milk production, pain relief, faster healing, reduction in postpartum bleeding, increased energy, etc - are worth every bit of the gross factor some people associate with it.
  • We will not be finding out the gender of this latest Tatum Tot - With us already having one boy and one girl, I do not have the burning urge to know the gender of this newest one. In fact, the idea of not knowing until he/she is born seems so much more exciting to me. And I look forward finding out the secret of this long awaited surprise in July. I am steadfast and very sure about this choice so no amount of convincing can/will change my mind.
  • Names - Names have been picked and are solid. I am thinking of having some sort of riddle guessing game to reveal the names closer to the due date. I may even include a special prize from Fulloveit Boutique for the winner. Still figuring out if and/or how we will reveal our names. More info later :-)

Well that is all for now folks. Next week we officially hit double digits! Until then...